GREAT GREAT Uncle Percival Noggin Tea Chest Skylon III was a nautical man and I clearly remember tales of his heroics alongside good old Horace, rum guzzling and doing the Queen’s duty across the globe, during cozy family fireside festive piss ups.
Noggs as he was affectionately known even removed a leg in some sort of drunken entente cordiale with Nelson, Britannia’s very own god of war.
But aside from the leg incident, which is believed to have happened as the French fleet came into view, leaving old Noggs with no other option than to board an enemy vessel and bludgeon all-comers with his swinging limb, he also won the copper used to line the bottom of Lord Collingwood’s ship during a drunken card game with the Dalai Lama himself.
So to wake as a crew of modern day pirates commandeered the Ivre filled me with a naval vim and vigour, obviously passed on by Noggs.
This motley crew of bandits were fairly OTT it must be said during our initial capture, even throwing the much loved parasol to the waves, but after some negotiations they allowed the staff, Bubbles and Bingo to dress themselves and also for myself to retain possession of the vital alcohol supplies before boarding.
Now for myself boarding a pirate ship wasn't a problem with my turned up Nudie Grim Tim Org jeans in tatters, iconic Liberty shirt sweat stained and my salt soaked Red Wings leaving much to be desired, especially after a nibble or two from the old Great White we named fang who had bothered us intermittently for most of the journey thus far, but that’s a story for another time.
As said I would not normally care about my attire when being taken captive, but our captors were sporting the latest Adidas and Nike footwear and I was suddenly struck with an interest as well as a streak of jealousy.
Once aboard it became apparent that our captors had either stumbled across a ‘coast-to-coast’ trainer salesman or had impeccable taste.
Flashing past yours truly’s eyes were all new styles and looks.
First to impress me, not only because I have a Kalaschnikov stuck in my face as I looked down at them, were the Tennis Court Top Forest shoe. Based on the Forest Hill, this new shoe is a great amalgamation of the original bumper shoe, with some nice suede and leather detailing, the sole, which is three colour, is very cool indeed.
Avoiding the butt of said Russian rifle, I noticed a pair of Adidas City Marathons bounding up some stairs ahead of me, coming in Bordeaux and Ink (navy) and part of the Originals range this has the look of comfort in a body built for speed, suede and webbing all over the place, with retro 80s styling, and a nice touch of the hidden pocket in the shoe’s tongue.
After placating the guys with a certain amount of flirtatious behaviour, which saw all of our remaining alcohol brought on board, the girls had also managed to nab a few pairs of trainers from our captors.
Good work I say and while we donned our new trotters we began to plot our escape.
Bingo wore the Air Max 90 Essential which is one hell of a shoe, in white, blue and grey, with the iconic sole, this lace up wonder is the latest version of a shoe that was born in the 1970s.
Bubbles looked cool in the Air Max 1, which is about as sleek a trainers as you could possibly get.
The 25th anniversary of the original shoe, is like the Hummer of trainers, coming in black with a suede, leather and synthetic upper.
You can see why these trainers not only fly off the shelves, but fly in any sporting arena they feature.
I was presented with the Pegasus 83, the low rider of trainers, sporting the iconic waffle sole and stunning silver swoosh completes the look of this black upper beauty.
The trotters are the last high point of the day as we are unceremoniously dumped into a holding area below deck, but the darkness is broken by Bubbles striking a match and Bingo producing a stashed Cohiba for good Old Skylon.
I will leave it to your imagination where she stashed said smoke, but I am glad to reveal that my new staff are really paying attention to detail and despite the lack of glasses, well where would they be stashed????
I will drink to that.